Wow! Two whole years since I’ve written on this blog. It’s amazing; it feels longer, but also shorter at the same time. So much has changed in my life. Sadly, not so much has changed eating disorder-wise. I wish I could say that I am recovered. It literally pains me to read my past posts and know that I’m not any better. It also pains me to dwell on the fact that everyone I love thinks that I am doing so much better.
Since I’ve last written, I have graduated from grad school, met the love of my life and soul mate, moved away from home, and gotten engaged. Lots of changes with this kid.
So, I am returning here in (another) attempt to reclaim my life from my disordered eating. There’s been ups and downs (mostly ups on the scale…). I’m beginning to feel out of control again. I need accountability. I need a shock to my system. I need someone to tell me that I am going to kill myself with this disease. If not, I know I will keep plugging along, binging and purging, until my dying day.
It’s strange. There’s so much happiness in my life. I have a man who will stand by me through thick and thin (all the weight analogies, lol) and who is so supportive of me. I love him with all my heart and want so badly to get healthy for HIM. I want to be capable of bearing our children. I want these things more than anything at the moment. He makes me a better ME, and has reintroduced me to so many things I’d forgotten or never experienced because of my depression and eating disorder. I am so grateful for him. I feel undeserving of such a man.
In all of his goodness, kindness, and understanding, I cannot open up to my fiancé completely about my binging and purging. I know he loves me no matter what. But I hate disappointing him. I hate telling him that I had another slip up. I hate lying and hiding this one last part of me that he has yet to experience fully. Of course, he knows about the disorder. He knows the gravity of it. He does not, however, know that I am not doing nearly as well as I say that I am. I crave alone time so that I can eat and eat until I can’t anymore. I lie and tell the love of my life that I need introvert time when all I want to do is go to McDonalds. The guilt and shame is unbearable.
But as of this moment, I am putting my soul, body, mind, and heart into stopping the behaviors. I know I’m not doing it for myself. I am doing it for him, for our future children, for my family. I need incentive to beat this. And the ones that I love are the greatest treasure that I have. I will fight for THEM. It’s back to the drawing board; I’m dusting myself off and climbing up on my horse once again. Pray for me.