Hi everyone! It’s been awhile!
My life has just been craziness lately. Major graduate school decisions have been made and my parents confronted me about my ED. I feel like this is all a dream.
I had been planning to go out of state for graduate school. I was accepted into an excellent program far away from my home town. When I was accepted, I was ecstatic. I’ve always wanted to go on adventures, live freely, be independent. Now with my disorder lurking over me and stronger than ever, it seems that my dreams are being demolished and are no longer possible. My mom basically told me that she’s scared to death of me leaving home in the state I’m in. When she told me this, it kind of struck a nerve and snapped me back into reality. Who have I been kidding all this time? I thought leaving this place, moving away, literally “running away” from my current situation would solve everything. I know in my rational mind that this would make things take a turn for the worst. Being on my own, with a graduate school workload, no support system, not even able to drive home in less than 12 hours. Yeah, not good. Maybe for someone who wasn’t having issues feeding themselves this would be an option. I just feel so trapped, so stuck right now. I know it’s not this town that’s making me feel like I’m in a prison. It’s my thoughts, my disorder, my perception of myself that keeps me in this hell. This is the part that really confuses me, though. I can have all these feelings regarding my disorder one minute, and the next I feel like I’m a big faker, attention seeker, like “I don’t even have a problem”. I frequently think to myself, “I’m fine! No one is even worried about me! I’m perfectly healthy and I could totally move away and be 100-percent fine!” I am so confused by this. I literally feel like an insane person. This is so hard to explain. It’s almost as if I’ve “made up my disorder” in my head, as if I could just stop having behaviors whenever I wanted to and everything would be fine and dandy. Then, when I try to fight the behaviors, I can never win. I’ll think, “Wow, I am still really hungry, I should have some more”, and I want to, but I can’t bring myself to eat. Maybe it’s just that having kept my food issues secret for so long, locked away in my head and hidden behind closed doors they still feel imaginary to me. Now that they are out in the open and people I love know about them, they have been made concrete in a sense. My behaviors becoming concrete is still a new concept for me, and I feel like everyone is just making a huge deal out of nothing. I don’t feel worthy of treatment, I don’t feel deserving of help. I just feel worthless. What I do doesn’t affect anyone, nothing I do matters, so why doesn’t everyone just let me alone? Sorry, that was really depressing and probably didn’t make much sense at all.
Also, my mom made me an appointment at an eating disorder clinic for next week. This intensifies all of these feelings of not being ill enough and not deserving treatment. I feel like I’m going to walk in there and they’ll laugh at me and say, “yeah, come back when you actually have a problem”. This is crazy, but it’s almost like I need to get worse before anyone should help me. I don’t need help, I don’t want help, and I feel like it’s just going to be pointless going in because I don’t want to change yet. I can’t give this thing up. It makes me feel safe and secure, comfortable, like I have my life all in order and under control. It’s there for me when I have a bad day, numbs me out, and lets me escape my problems.
I also wanted to get something off my chest that really hurt last night. I was so triggered and upset that I wanted to lock myself in my room and never come out. So my three roommates and I are taking some graduation pictures and wanted to coordinate outfits. We were all trying on outfits that would look nice for the picture and one of my roommates suggested that I borrow her dress for the picture. She said, “You could wear this! I mean we’re basically the same size.” I feel like such a horrible person for being triggered by her comment. I know she didn’t mean it maliciously, but I have serious issues with comparing my body to others. The whole time we were trying on outfits I felt huge, disgusting, ugly, too fat for words. It still baffles me how down on myself I get while trying on clothes. No matter how much weight I lose, I am convinced that I will NEVER like my body. I will NEVER feel confident or comfortable. This saddens me so much.
I’m sorry for being so depressing and rambling about how crappy things are at the moment. Just hopeless. I feel hopeless.